Pain Box

Ah, here we are at another wonderful VEWPRF season. Now last year, I sort of skipped out. I was tired, cranky, on the verge of a murderous rampage, exhausted, my computer broke, I ran out of gas, I had a flat tire, I didn't have enough money for cab fare, my tux didn't come back from the cleaners, an old friend came in from out of town, someone stole my car, there was an earthquake, a terrible flood and locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD. Seriously, what excuse would work for you? What reason would you take for me not doing any fun reviews? It’s probably true anyway. Now I’m wondering if I did actually cover my tracks enough that no one noticed I totally phoned in my VEWPRF stuff last year.

There’s not much point trying to cover it up any longer, I bought a Box of Pain last year. No, no, not that one. While that is a good guess, that box at least unveils some level of eroticism along with the pain and suffering. This box however, doesn't even draw you in with that promise. This box contains ONLY pain and suffering, in a happy Yuletide package. I am wiling to concede that both are from the darkest depths of hell however.

The contents of this Pain Box represent a violation of one of my rules though. See, I have a thing about writing reviews for the internet. I don’t want to be one of those reviewers who just watches dreck and garbage in the hopes of providing amusing commentary in the form of base insults to the hard work of many professionals. Even when it’s something horrible, where the filmmakers completely fell down on the job, I don’t want to be that guy. Two reasons for that A) There are enough other people doing that and doing it better than I can and B) The question “If you hate it, why keep doing it?” always springs to my mind and I keep thinking these guys are faking their outrage. They doth protest too much and all that. So I try never to buy anything with a view to reviewing it, because I don’t want to be the sort of person who seems like they’re just complaining to complain.

I do actually like most the things I review, certain movies about Hercules not withstanding, or at least bought them with the hopes of enjoying them. It’s just some of the things I enjoy are stupid, vapid, amazingly unaware of how silly they are, and so on. I like to prod and make fun of the things that don’t work while trying to point out the parts that do. Rarely do I ever sit down and intend to take something to the mat before even watching it. Even my reviews of The Charlie Brown Christmas and ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas were borne out of irritation, insulted intelligence and the ability to see foul manipulation now that I had the cynical eye of an adult. Actually, I formed that cynical eye around age 12, but I’d stopped watching those specials by then anyway. The point is that when I sat down with my bowl of popcorn and the DVD player, I had intended to enjoy those things, it was just after having them wash over me with evil and malice that I struck. My feeling being that if I didn’t rally the troops and fight back then perhaps no one would. Still though, my walk to hell began, as always, with the best of intentions.

That is why this box is such a violation. I had no illusions as to what I was getting myself into with this foul and wretched thing. One look at the cover lets you know what sort of pain and misery you’re in for if you try and watch this. Noticing that it’s from Mill Creek Entertainment should be another strong indicator. I have nothing against Mill Creek per say, but they are a budget house and fill their discs with whatever they can get their hands on that fits the criteria for the set. This they do well, these are all holiday specials, movies and cartoons.

That’s more than I can say for some companies… like Disney. The problem is that the quality is often suspect, the features are never top drawer and rarely more than the penny candy level of movies. Some TV Movies, some TV episodes, and a few movies that are so bad you could only see them late night on a TV channel that doesn’t know about infomercials. I knew what I was getting when I looked up the play list and saw not one but four Beverly Hillbillies episodes. Clearly, no good could come from buying this thing and the only reason to buy it was to use it as fodder for my annual bile spitting.

Well, that and I have a soft spot for this sort of thing. It can’t be denied that as a historian, I love these little bits of trash from days gone by. However, that was a secondary concern, we all know this and it would be dishonest of me to attempt to pretend otherwise. Still, though, it’s VEWPRF. That’s a time for cynicism, and my special brand of life saving acid, which can burn away the barnacles of nostalgia that threaten to pull you under and drown your spirit in a malaise of… I dunno, cranberry sauce? No, that’s Thanksgiving.

The point is, I bought this Pain Box and now I have to do something with it. Now if you’ve known me for a while, you know I love crappy cheap cinema. I have a great love for movies where enthusiasm is used to overwhelm the lack of budget, experience and in many cases… talent. I have no idea if Tim Burton and Johnny Depp created an accurate portrayal of Ed Wood, but I hope they did because it makes me love his movies all the more. His stuff sucks, but he really believed in it and loved what he was doing.

The problem with some of the stuff I’ve decided to review is that… well… it’s TV in the 50s and 60s. That means that they have talent, and a little bit of money, but not a lot of enthusiasm. It’s cheap, but even the people who made it don’t care so it’s not very easy to rip on them for it. If you think it’s lame, so did they. They don’t care about the product much beyond their check clearing, so you can’t even get their enthusiasm for the project. It’s hard to watch, hard to joke about, it’s just hard.

All that being said, let’s have us some fun! Fridays are now Pain Box Days! The nice reviews will still fall on Tuesdays though. Naughty and Nice, sounds like the Vague Early Winter Possibly Religious Festival to me. The reason I bring all this up, and talked your ear off about it (or eyes, in this case) is that tomorrow there will be a sort of pre-view of what the Pain Box has in store for us. After that, yeah, Fridays. I’m pushing this week’s entry up a day because it’s one of the two thanksgiving episodes in the Box.

Watch this space!

Soundtrack: Musicmatch Jukebox

Old Movie Reviews

Advertisement