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A Garfield Christmas Special (1987 Dir. Phil Roman)
 Think of all the widows and orpahns those jewels could feed. Now think of them starving to death because Big G would rather eat them than help another living being.
Some of you may remember back in November I ran a review for the Garfield Thanksgiving Special. In that review I called it the most hateful thing ever connected to Thanksgiving. I meant it then and I mean it now. It was evil, hateful, lacking in any kind of morality. In fact it told us that deceit and lies were great things that should be rewarded. Well now it's December, and now we're looking at a Christmas Special. Will it be as bad? Who can say, we'll have to wait until I start to watch it. I'm not sure I've mentioned this before but I do watch these as we're reviewing them. Usually I put down the first paragraph or two before viewing it and then type out as we go along.
All I can think is that there is a girl under the dash and we're seeing Big G's O face.
The show starts off innocently enough, if a bit strangely. Jon wakes Garfield up and gives him half a dozen platters of lasagna in order to build up enough strength to get to the tree. Jon is dressed like and elf, in green tights with bells that jingle and stuff. Garfield is then given his present, which turns out to be a mind reading, gift giving machine that pops out any present you think of. Garfield gets a pile of jewels, announces that this is what Christmas is all about, and a song about how great greed is starts. It was 1987 folks, greed was good and sex was still cool so long as you wore a condom. As the song (and the opening credits) end, so does Garfield's dream. It's only Christmas Eve, and instead of getting a gift giving machine, Big G is being taken to the farm. He complains a little about having to go to the farm to see Jon's relatives and then a commercial break totally rips us from the story, shattering narrative flow.
If only Jon had given the cord one good hard yank at the right time, we never would have had to endure Dock Boy.
When we come back, a song has begun. There were songs in some of these shows and this one is actually kind of clever. Jon talks about how much fun he had getting ready for the holiday and Garfield attributes each kind of set up as a kind of job. Decorating the tree = Gardening. Putting up the lights = Electrical contracting. It's kind of clever, and they don't draw it out so it doesn't get annoying. Some of the songs are too long and annoying, this song is okay. Once we arrive at the farm though, things go down hill very quickly.
WHERE ARE HER EYES?
Jon is greeted by his mother, who seems to have no eyes. She just has these little slits over her nose. I wonder what kind of farm accident robbed her of her sight, and if she now has radar sense like Daredevil. Dad looks okay, but when Jon greets his brother things go hideously wrong. He calls him Dock Boy and asks "How's my favorite brother?" to which Dock Boy snaps "Don't call me Dock Boy, and you've probably forgotten I'm you're only brother." Now everyone calls the guy Dock Boy, so why can't Jon? And why does Jon actually look kind of nervous and embarrassed when he admits that yes, Dock Boy is his only brother. Was there another child? Did Jon have an older brother that was killed in the same accident that took Mom's sight? Did that older brother only "die" in as much as they no longer talk about him and is actually wandering the Canadian wilderness wondering how he got these metal claws that pop out of his knuckles? So many questions.
 When someone said they were going out for Kevorkian machines, she asked for them to get her one. Anything to get out of this special.
After this terse greeting is exchanged we get the bit that makes Syd cringe whenever this special is on. A voice from off screen announces that they shouldn't mind her and that can visit until their lips fall off for all she cares. She'll just sit in the dark alone until someone comes over to see grandma. Syd cringes because she looks at me every time and says "How did they get my grandmother to be in their show?" After they come over, she shows how in shape she is by offering to take a sucker punch to the gut. I hate grandma, she's such a hideous cliché, and a hateful passive aggressive monster to boot.
 The deplorable sanitation at the Arbuckle house.
Anyway… the dinner is prepared, and while this goes on Odie acts decidedly weird. He gathers supplies through out the show, which will have a pay off at the end. Dock Boy is asked to say grace and won't say it until grandma hits him in the head with a gravy ladle. In the long shots you can see that Dock Boy is so into being on the dinner table he's leaning his elbow into the gravy and Jon has already got his hand around the turkey. Either this family fights for every morsel of food, or there is some crappy animation work being done here. Me? I vote for a fist fight over the dinner rolls. So Dock Boy prays right? He then won't shut up again until hit with the same ladle by grandma, which proves to me that he's been beaten, whipped and humiliated for years until this point where he needs to be physically abused for him to start or stop any task.
I mean look! Jon is stroking that turkey, Dock Boy and Grandma have their arms in that bowl, Mom's trying to elbow the bread rolls off the table... wft?
Dinner is eaten, and there are some jokes which aren't very funny about how Mom makes too much food despite having no eyes. There are some bits about Big G and Odie being fed at the table, which adds in a hideous joke about Grandma eating for two. Odie does some more acting weird and then they start to trim the tree.
 Do these people not own a step ladder? Or even a chair?
The trimming of the tree hits the same old stupid joke about them putting the start on the tree last and how it wouldn't be Christmas if they put the star on first before putting the tree up. Jon gets the brilliant idea of asking Big G to clime the tree and put the tree on the top. Garfield agrees, gets the star to the top, but it proves to be a pyrrhic victory at best. Garfield gets vertigo, falls out of the tree and half the decorations come crashing down around him. So, they have to redecorate anyway. They light the tree, everyone says "oooo" and for the third time on this DVD Garfield turns to the audience and says "Nice Touch" as if it's the first time he's said it. In a startling break of tradition, instead of happening at the 20 minute mark it happens at the 12 minute 40 second mark.
Same joke different show. Ah, what the hell... Pimping! It just ain't easy.
Another song starts, after a couple of false starts. Dock Boy tries to play O Christmas Tree, but he's no good at it. Then Grandma starts playing and in a hilarious turn she plays it as a jazzy number. See, it's funny because old people are supposed to be slow and not like noise and generally sit quiet while waiting for death and grandma doesn't do this. It would be funny, if that were true about old people and if every damn show on TV in the 80s didn't pull this same character of a kick-ass old person. Anyway, Jon's mom starts playing, using sheet music despite the fact that she clearly has no eyes. I'm not exaggerating. Look at the character model for every other person on this cartoon and then look at mom. Everyone else has large globular eyes, while mom has slits where her eyes used to be. The song goes on too long, but Big G walks off to sit with Granma.
And the walls of Jericho came a'tumblin' down
About the only scene that doesn't make me want to stab my eyes out with an old pair of chopsticks I've been sharpening for the purpose starts now. Grandma has a moment with Garfield where she reminisces about her great love for Grandpa, his love for Christmas and how much she misses him now that he's gone. It might strike some as a little schmaltzy, but I feel it's the only piece of the cartoon that carries even the tiniest bit of emotional weight.
One single scene in the whole thing that doesn't make you want to kill yourself.
Another commercial break and we're jarringly brought back to the so called comedy. I can hear those sharpened chopsticks, they're calling to me. I'll be with you soon my lovelies! Anyway, we're asked to endure more forced comedy when Dad reads Jon and Dock Boy a book that evidently he's been reading every year for decades. It's a stupid kid's story, and he clearly hates it. He's tired of reading this story to his kids, who are clearly in their thirties. He would much rather run off to Vegas with that hot new waitress at the diner. His ambitions for a better life have been squashed though and all he can do is sigh and accept his lot.
The Japanese animators, out of bordom, put in a tenticale rape scene. This understandably shocked and horrified the american cartoon actors.
Odie then acts strange some more, putting together some kind of torture device he intends to use on his captors before putting into effect his plan to take over the world. Then Garfield finds some letters that seem to be 50 years old. This will cause me some trouble later, but I'll talk about that when it comes. There is a not even in the slightest bit funny about Jon and Dock Boy waking up their parents at 1:30 in the morning asking if they can open their gifts because it's technically Christmas Morning. I nearly got myself with the chopsticks at this point but Fancy grabbed my arm and deflected the tip. I can still see, but that is no relief because this cartoon is still on. It's not as offensive or hateful as the Thanksgiving special, it's just amazingly stupid.
 It's like Night of the Living Dead, only their after presents instead of the flesh of the living.
Presents are then opened in a single shot that doesn't do anything for me. Mom announces that it was a nice Christmas and Garfield announces that it's not over yet. I thought at first he was pointing out that they hadn't been to church, or that the day wouldn't be over for many hours, but instead he goes and grabs those letters he found. It turns out that those are letters that Grandpa sent to Grandma when they was courtin' a long, long time ago. 50 years isn't actually that long ago really. Not when you consider that they would had to have gotten hitched almost immediately after the recite of those letters so Grandma could get knocked up so that either mom or dad (it's never clear whose parent she is) can have Jon at 20 so that he could now be just 30. I've always had Jon pegged at 35 though. It's almost not long enough really. Grandma then announces that these letters are the nicest present she ever received, totally blowing away that bowling ball sitting next to her. Someone went to a lot of trouble to get the bowling ball, and the cat gets all the credit for stumbling over a pack of letters with no effort at all.
 Um... does any one else feel just a little creepped out by this?
So then Odie finally shows the present he's been working on. It turns out to be a butt scratcher. Garfield then announced the present to be the best ever, pushing aside the catnip mouse. Odie at least put some thought and effort into the gift, unlike some people we could mention. Big G then makes a hollow gesture towards not being totally self serving, which comes off as fake as a Republican in a bathroom saying he's not gay. Odie scratches some, to a beat no less, and that starts up a song that makes me think that perhaps my eyes were the wrong place for these lovely sharpened chopsticks. Clearly I should have been aiming at my ears. If I jam them in just right I won't have to hear the rest of this song. I'm slightly hesitant because it would mean this song would be the last thing I'd hear though. The show then just suddenly up and ends.
 No, really, WHERE ARE HER EYES?
I'm not sure what I was expecting exactly, but maybe it would have been nice to have mom's blindness explained or something. Maybe she was forced to read the script for this and had her own pair of chopsticks or something. I dunno, anyway I'm done with Garfield this year.
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